Read the Whole Post, And I Might Let You Clap the Erasers

The junction of the writer/editor in me and the obsessive-compulsive in me is not a pleasant place.

I understand that language evolves. I believe it should or it loses its ability to accurately reflect the current culture. But I still can't help getting annoyed by misuses and abuses, especially ones that seem to be products of laziness or ignorance and not legitimate attempts to communicate something for which the right word truly doesn't exist.

With that somewhat overbearing intro behind us, here are four that have particularly grated on me:

1. Untracked.
This mainly comes up in sports, as in when a team is struggling to score points the announcer says that its offense "needs to get untracked." At first I thought I wasn't hearing correctly and they were saying "on track." I was familiar with the expression that something was "off track." Then I started seeing it in print and realized it was intentional, but I still have no idea what it means. I think it had to have come about from people hearing "on track" and thinking they heard "untracked" and just running with it without really thinking it through, in Purple Haze fashion. Shouldn't "tracked" have a definition that meant something bad for "untracked" to mean something good? I've never heard one.

2. Nother.
As in "a whole 'nother" something -- story, issue or whatever. This one probably doesn't even count any more, since it shows up in most dictionaries. I think that's a case of the linguistic guardians throwing up their collective hands as much as anything and crying "Uncle!" over the realization that it simply wasn't going to go away. Some of them cling to a shred of traditional respect and use words like "misdivision" or "informal" in the definition. But if it was a REAL concept, couldn't you have other divisions of nothers besides just whole ones? Have you ever seen a half nother or a quarter nother? I guess nothers always travel with wholes in the same way that kaboodles are always found with kits.

3. Judgement.
The British spelling of a word that Noah Webster decided long ago Americans should technically spell "judgment." I've seen the British version in decidedly un-British places, like the TV show Iron Chef and the publication Funny Times, which describes itself as "America's ad-free cartoon and humor newspaper." I suppose if someone wants to act British, that's fine. It worked for Ministry for a while. I just hope they also use colour, centre, defence and so on.

4. Everyday.
An adjective that I often see used in place of a two-word adjective/noun combo, as in "open everyday" instead of "open every day." I'm all in favor of conservation, but I didn't know there was a shortage of spaces in the world that needed to be addressed. I'll have to try harder to do my part nexttime.

Well, I feel a little better for having given voice to my inner middle-school English teacher. Part of me still feels like I should ask you all to write "I will not use a pronoun without an antecedent noun" 100 times, but I'll resist the urge.

Class dismissed!

I Have Problems With Authority

Technorati is a terrific resource. I much prefer it to any other tool for finding individual posts and even blogs about specific topics.

That said, I'm really not a big fan of their "Authority" metric for a number of reasons.

1. It's based solely on how many other blogs link to you, not how may incoming links you have from all sources. This seems like the same kind of close-mindedness that many bloggers decry in the traditional media, only in reverse. Bloggers hate when the media dismiss anything having to do with the blogosphere out of hand as inherently less relevant than something one of their own comes up with. Why then would Technorati do essentially the same thing? Is a link from one of my sports-related posts really a more valid measure of how "popular" (Technorati's word) another blog is than a reference on, say, ESPN.com? It smells sort of like high school cliqueishness -- the opinion of anyone in another group doesn't matter as much as the opinion of people in MY group. The risk of that sort of thinking is that you eventually lose sight of the complete picture when you consistently exclude outside views, and end up with a skewed sense of self-importance. Technorati Authority fosters that among bloggers.

2. Despite this supposed myopic focus on blogs, Technorati doesn't seem to actually include ALL blogs. I'm not exactly sure what their definition of a blog is. I've usually considered it to require things like a personal voice (or voices) rather than an institutional one, tag-based archiving and the ability for readers to both subscribe and post comments. That could be why things like the "blog light" functionality we added to BroncosCountry.com last year doesn't seem to qualify. It has commenting, but not subscription or archiving. What, then, about something like Associated Content? They call their contributors "content producers" rather than bloggers, but they sure walk like ducks. So for whatever the reason, Technorati doesn't actually include the input of everyone they claim to in their rankings. I guess there's someone in every clique who nobody actually listens to.

3. Technorati only counts a link from any individual blog to your overall Authority once in a six-month period. I think I understand the motivation -- you want to prevent anyone from artificially cranking up their Authority by having a couple of their buddies with blogs "stuff the ballot box" on their behalf. But once every six months seems a little excessive and basic. I'd think a slightly more complex algorithm that factored in both time and frequency on a sliding scale would be an improvement. So the first link from a particular blog earns full credit, a second link from that same blog a day later is worth very little, a third link three months later is worth somewhere in between and so on. Someone geekier than me could figure out the specifics, but the premise seems sound.

4. Assuming this whole thing is automated, what the heck takes them so long to make their updates? For something that measures one of the trendiest tools on the interweb, it certainly doesn't move at the speed you'd expect. And the inconsistency is maddening to me. My own Technorati page, for example, doesn't show any of my posts from the past SIX days. But it did record a new incoming link from just two days ago. But my Authority hasn't been updated yet to reflect that link. When do they say this blog was last updated? Four days ago. Talk about not inspiring a lot of confidence or credibility.

Maybe I'm making too big a deal of this. But if I was the only one who cared, then four of the top 10 links when you do a Google search for "technorati authority rating" wouldn't be to tips on how to increase it.

UPDATE: I tried SIX TIMES to send the content of this post to Technorati using their contact form to get their feedback, and each time got a page with the following text after clicking the Send Message button:

"Doh! The Technorati Monster escaped again. We're currently experiencing backend issues and are working to resolve them as quickly as possible. We apologize for the inconvenience and appreciate your patience."

When I hit Refresh, I was taken back to my form with all my input fortunately still there but the following message at the top:

"Your Captcha response was incorrect. Please try again."

Trust me when I say my Captcha response was NOT incorrect.

*beats head against keyboard*

Minor Surgery is Surgery That Someone Else Has

Things that are bad: Pain, nausea, daytime TV (no matter how many channels you have)

Things that are good: Vicodin, Danelle, Domino's Bacon Cheeseburger Feast

That's about all I can muster. Hopefully I'll feel up to more tomorrow.

The Growing Dominance of the Right

Here's my very preliminary list of things that are proving annoying/difficult to do without the assistance of my left hand, in no particular order:

1. Turning left. I drive a standard, which some people (including Danelle) hate doing with TWO good hands. It actually hasn't been that bad in general, but left-hand turns are tricky. Especially from a dead stop when I need to shift from first gear to second halfway through the turn.

2. Opening jars. I've resorted to thighmastering them for leverage.

3. Shampooing. It actually just dawned on me that I can make this a little easier by squeezing the shampoo directly onto my head. Hey, every little bit helps.

4. Pushing a shopping cart. Made that much harder today thanks to the additional cargo weight from Safeway's buy-two-get-three-free special on Diet Coke.

5. Making a tuna fish sandwich. Double the frustration -- first getting the tuna fish from the container to the bread, then spreading it.

6. Toweling off after a shower. Let's just say that every part of my body doesn't get as dry as I'd like.

7. Putting on deodorant. Left pit, no problem. Right pit, I look like I'm doing an impression of a one-armed monkey.

8. Tying anything. I wish I'd never outgrown Velcro sneakers.

9. Putting Taryn's bike helmet on her. She'd rather not wear it anyway. And how much damage can she really do to herself on a bike with training wheels? I'll save my larger rant on being hyperprotective of our children for another day, but I was 22the first time I ever wore one.

10. Playing World of Warcraft. Solo PvE stuff isn't too bad, but PvP moves too fast to try to keep up with all the keystrokes and macros one-handed. Instances are pretty much out of the question for my tank, too, since I can't multi-task well enough to keep aggro off of other party members. Apologies to you non-geeks reading this who have no idea what any of that meant.

11. Putting toothpaste on my toothbrush. The brush doesn't tip over once I have it balanced on the bathroom counter as long as I don't touch it. Of course, you sort of have to touch it to put toothpaste on it.

12. Typing. This will likely result in blog posts written in caveman soon just to save me some hassle. "Movie good. Make laugh. Go see."

I'll try to spare you all much further whininess about this wrist situation. I'm familiar with the proverb about the man who felt sorry for himself for having no shoes until he saw a man who had no feet. But for this one more time...WWWWAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

I Don't Think Any Of These Would Even Get Me On "Stupid Human Tricks"

Being in the throes of a job search, I've spent a lot of time focusing on what my "marketable skills" are. Things that use impressive-sounding words like "communication campaign management" and "brand marketing." Things that look good on resumes and sound good in interviews, but are ultimately meaningless without some real roll-up-your-sleeves, get-your-hands-dirty abilities to go along with them.

Danelle and I don't talk about our marketable skills with each other much. They're typically not very romantic, fun or all that interesting outside of professional settings. We enjoy our UNMARKETABLE skills much more. The things you can't really quantify, transfer or develop. The things they don't teach in business school. The things nobody will ever pay you to do, but that you're darn glad you can.

Danelle has a terrific one -- she gets good parking spaces. No matter how crowded the lot, something desirable is conveniently available when she drives by. The skill fades a little when she's a passenger, but doesn't dissipate completely. We've gotten to the point that we just call unexpectedly good parking spots "Danelle spots" and accept that that's what they are.

I've got three that I can think of, one being the ability to order something good in a restaurant I've never been to before. Not just in a self-fulfilling, I-have-to-eat-it-so-I-might-as-well-act-like-I-like-it way. My prowess is generally validated by my dining companions' vocal approval of my selections. Danelle, alas, is not blessed with this gift and generally ends up bemoaning the fact that she didn't order whatever I did. She used to just eat off my plate, but we've matured beyond that. Now she waits for me to offer.

I used to be pretty OCD about ordering in restaurants, to the point of having to order last because I'd get upset if someone else ordered the same item I did. I finally had to get over it after going out to enough meals with my old friend and co-worker Lynn Rosen because she was my polar opposite. She could never decide what to order, and needed to hear what everyone else was having before choosing something. At least our idiosyncracies complemented each other.

Another is that I can tell you the co-stars and usually a few of the supporting cast from a ton of movies I've never seen. It's not something I research or study -- I don't know if I pick it up from commercials or what. And I don't know why it stays in my head when I can't even remember to tell Danelle when her best friend calls. But for whatever reason it does.

"Do you remember French Kiss?"

"Um...Meg Ryan and Kevin Kline, right?"

"Right. Did you like it?"

"Dunno. Never saw it."

My final such skill is really more of a blessing -- I can sleep. Anywhere, anytime, I can just sleep. I've slept in moving cars during hurricanes. I sleep regularly on airplanes. I can fall asleep when Danelle has the light, television and her laptop all on in the bedroom at night.

If I'm not asleep within 10 minutes of going to bed, I get frustrated and complain about how much trouble I'm having getting to sleep. This infuriates Danelle (and probably many of you) to no end, since she typically plans on being in bed for well over an hour before drifting off if she's lucky. Frankly, I have no idea how she can function on how little sleep she gets. If I go more than a few nights without my standard seven hours, it's not going to end well.

None of these things will likely come up in my next interview, but I'll probably get more out of that last one in particular over the course of my life than my expertise in "promotion and media placement." No matter what my LinkedIn profile says.

But Could It Make "We Built This City" Sound Good?

The Internet can be quite a double-edged sword sometimes. Anyone who thinks of something clever or interesting can share it with the rest of the world as long as they have a computer and an internet connection. Blogs are the trendiest manifestation of that. On the other hand, once you have that clever/interesting thought a quick online search will often reveal that the thought is far from original. Other people have already had it, researched it more thoroughly, articulated it better and turned it into a t-shirt.

Such was the case with the topic I wanted to blog about tonight -- my belief that nearly every ska cover version of a song sounds better than the original. I've still got a CD I burned with a bunch of such tunes that I got off of Napster back before Metallica decided we couldn't do that sort of thing. But before I started my post I did a quick Google search and had all the air taken out of my balloon -- some other guy named Timothy Sexton had done a post on the EXACT same topic on Associated Content almost a year and a half ago.

Here's where it becomes good not to jump to conclusions. I read his piece and found that while his reasoning why ska covers are typically so good is similar enough to mine that I'm just going to link to it for you to read what he had to say and not re-invent that wheel, his list only had two songs that I intended to put on my own list.

So, we'll just take this as an example of what academic types might call the internet's power to facilitate non-real-time collaboration that mutually benefits all contributors in a symbiotic fashion, and move on to MY list in no particular order:

Tears of a Clown - The English Beat
My vote for the best ska cover ever, the song exemplifies ska's remarkable ability to make ANY subject matter sound happy. Dave Wakeling still puts on a good show, even if he's put on a few pounds over the years and he's the only original member still touring.

99 Red Balloons - Goldfinger
Ska purists (if such a thing exists) might argue this inclusion since Goldfinger is considered more of a punk band by many. They've never had a horn section to my knowledge, but since a lot of their songs emphasive the offbeat rather than the downbeat I've always considered them ska-ish. Whatever you call it, this cover has the sort of naked aggression you'd expect from a song about nuclear armageddon.

Hold Back the Rain - Buck-O-Nine
I never understood why these guys weren't as popular as some of their third wave counterparts. This is a pretty straightforward effort on a fairly obscure Duran Duran song. Well, straightforward until you get to the call-and-response section reminiscent of Cab Calloway. Those rascals even cuss in the middle! Ska bands can get away with anything...

I Think I Love You - Less Than Jake
One of my agreements with Sexton's list. Less Than Jake loves them some covers -- I've heard them do White Lion's Wait live and they have THREE on their 1995 Losers, Kings, and Things We Don't Understand CD (Tommy Tutone's 867-5309 and the theme songs from Dukes of Hazzard and Laverne and Shirley). This Partridge Family remake shows off the versatility of the band's horn section from the ominous opening to the Vaudeville-esque bridge.

The Freshman - Mustard Plug
The Verve Pipe original sounds like something the kids who smoked cloves and read Kafka in college would listen to. Mustard Plug's version starts similarly, but in typical ska fashion soon builds in volume and tempo to the sort of tune the rest of us who drank cheap beer and read the Sunday comics could better relate to.

Brown Eyed Girl - Reel Big Fish
Sexton had Reel Big Fish on his list, but chose to go with their version of The Cure's Boys Don't Cry. I prefer their take on the Van Morrison classic. Another bait-and-switch slow opening followed by two minutes of upbeat skanking goodness. They also do a great rendition of A-Ha's Take on Me.

Come On Eileen - Save Ferris
Almost TOO perfect -- the prominent horns, the jangly guitar, the wacky video. The other song Sexton and I agree on, though I really considered going with their edgier version of Build Me Up Buttercup instead. In the end, Come On Eileen was just too darn fun to leave off.

Charlie Brown - Voodoo Glow Skulls
This great cover takes the opposite approach of some of the others on the list, with a manic first minute that then slows down with a rocksteady interlude in the middle. I saw these guys open up for the Mighty Mighty Bosstones back in the mid-'90s and what I remember most about them is that they had a big bald dude for a lead singer who was completely nuts.

It's Not Unusual - Five Iron Frenzy
A gem from a little-known Christian ska band from right here in Denver, and quite possibly the only band in that particular musical niche ever. I saw these guys back in 1998 on the Ska Against Racism tour with The Toasters and the aforementioned Less Than Jake and Mustard Plug, and I thought they were tremendous. This tune is on their live 1999 Proof That The Youth Are Revolting CD. It's fairly true to the original, retaining the requisite campiness while really emphasizing the horns.

Even if you're not a ska fan, I encourage you to check these out. Guaranteed to get your toes tapping, or I'll refund your full subscription price to this blog!